Redefining What Counts as Sex...

And what's "normal" as far as number of partners goes.

What's your number? There seems to be an obsession in our society with the number of people we have slept with. Some of us keep a list of names, or just notches on a belt...others have long ago lost track. But actually counts as sex? There's a heterosexist standard that it counts when a penis enters a vagina, but luckily a lot of folks are working on redefining this definition.

In "Redefining What Counts as Sex" Jenny Paradise writes:

What makes sex count? It may seem like a silly question, but I’ve heard many answers ranging from oral sex to vaginal penetration to the ejaculation of the male specifically. Personally, I think that sex shouldn’t be counted until both partners orgasm. That way, guys would need to try harder than a few drunken pumps to earn their bragging rights, and I would practically be a virgin!

She continues, relating this to the subject of one's "number" with a little advice:

Also, when your new sex partner casually asks you how many guys you’ve slept with, I strongly recommend not answering with “does it count if he doesn’t finish?” Apparently, that is some sort of insinuation that you’d drop your panties for every boy in IV and not count one as a legitimate sex partner if he is too drunk to finish. Unless you want to spend the rest of that night trying to convince your now standoffish boyfriend to still sleep with you, I would stay away from that conversation.

Of course, the best essay on this topic is "Are We Having Sex Now or What?" by Greta Christina which I highly recommend. Greta writes:

But for me, living in a question naturally leads to searching for an answer. I can't simply shrug, throw up my hands, and say, "Damned if I know." I have to explore the unknown frontiers, even if I don't bring back any secret treasure. So even if it's incomplete or provisional, I do want to find some sort of definition of what is and isn't sex.

I know when I'm feeling sexual. I'm feeling sexual if my pussy's wet, my nipples are hard, my palms are clammy, my brain is fogged, my skin is tingly and super-sensitive, my butt muscles clench, my heartbeat speeds up, I have an orgasm (that's the real giveaway), and so on. But feeling sexual with someone isn't the same as having sex with them. Good Lord, if I called it sex every time I was attracted to someone who returned the favor I'd be even more bewildered than I am now. Even being sexual with someone isn't the same as having sex with them. I've danced and flirted with too many people, given and received too many sexy would-be-seductive backrubs, to believe otherwise.

On the topic of number of sexual partners check out this post on Feminste debunking the attempt to collect statistics on the "average" number for men and women.

Let's keep this conversation evolving...